I'm Only Human

So I have this warped concept in my head that goes something like this...

Caroline. You are now an adult. You have a career. You're a big girl. Get your stuff together. No excuses. No exceptions.
And then... I remind myself that I really am only human. Nobody is expecting me to be perfect.

This really reminds me of Christina Perri's song: I'm Only Human.

     **Please let me preface this section with the understanding that I am completely aware that this song was not written to be viewed/compared with any type of job/career... but bear with me.



I can hold my breath. I can bite my tongue. I can stay awake for days if that's what you want. Be your number one.

I can hold my breath and I can bite my tongue. There are many times throughout my week that I am reminding myself to breathe and bite my tongue.. and that is typically because I might be too tired to process through rational thinking for that given situation in that moment. It seems that I often wake up exhausted no matter how early I get to bed the night before. I argue that the 'you' (at least in my situation) is actually representing myself. I am asking myself to do too much. I'm expecting myself to do everything.

I can fake a smile. I can force a laugh. I can dance and play the part if that's what you ask; give you all I am.

I can fake a smile and force a laugh. I can play 'teacher' and ditch my personal life at home. Sometimes that's a good thing.. sometimes I avoid too much and put my personal life too much on the back burner until I am forced to deal with it.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it

Hey Thomas the Train.. 'I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.' This reminds me of the Mondays.. like when I get to work and my mindset is it's only Monday... I think I can make it through today.. and tomorrow.. and all the way to Friday.. I think I can do this. I'm working on changing that mindset to.. I know I can do this. I will be successful; no actually, I am successful. (still learning.. but seeing successes none the less).

But I'm only human; I bleed when I fall down. I'm only human; I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart; you build me up and then I fall apart cause I'm only human.

I am human. I hurt when I fall. When life happens both professionally and personally and both positive and negative... I'm allowed to have emotions; in fact, I am human and I should have emotions. I will break down. I am the one putting 'words in my head' and 'knives in my heart' because I am expecting myself to be this supernatural goddess with no boundaries/limits. It is imperative that I remind myself that I am going to mess up and that I am going to have those days that are just meh or blah. Even if my students, myself, or my colleagues/friends build me back up... it is inevitable that I will slip and fall again. And most importantly.. I must recognize that all of that is perfectly acceptable.

I can turn it on; be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need; be your everything.

I can totally go through the motions. I can put so much on my shoulders and deal with so much because I put all of those weights on my own shoulders. There are times that I wear way too many more hats than I have heads because I think that that is what is expected of me. I can flip that smile on and push through and get what needs to be done regardless of what's happening at home. Once again.. this can be good thing.. but it is important to allow myself to be human.



The rest of the lyrics are pretty repetetive.. however, it all goes back to I am only human; and I need to allow myself to make mistakes; to feel something (both good and bad); and to pull myself together and recognize that it's okay that I don't have it all together; that nobody expects me to be perfect; and that I must seize every opportunity to grow and to learn and continue moving forwarding.



-Happy thoughts of a first year teacher mooching off the internet at Starbucks on a Tuesday night.

A Little Self Reflection

This is more of a personal update from the perspective of a first year teacher that made it to her first long break.

Fall Break 2014
The first two months of school have flown by... I just keep thinking to myself:

I can't believe that I have a career... and that I have all of these responsibilities... and that so far, I actually think I'm doing pretty okay.
I've already grown and learned a lot these first 2 months of teaching. I think it is important to take time to reflect upon your progress/shortcomings. In order to be the best teacher I possibly can be, I must reflect upon the first 2 months of school.

What I wish I knew two months ago...
but am lucky to have figured out now.
1. It's okay to ask for help.
I have an amazing team of colleagues and admin that really are there to answer questions and to support me. I've learned quickly that it is okay to ask for help.. in fact, it's a MUST. It's my FIRST year, nobody expects me to have it all figured out yet. As much as I struggle admitting when I am wrong, when I need extra guidance, I have been showered with support and affirmations from my colleagues. At first... it was scary, really scary; like, first day of high school scary. Now, if you walk into a professional development workshop that I am in... I am constantly writing down questions on post-it notes and raising my hand. I am so grateful to my PD instructor for always stopping to answer my questions. :) She's pretty amazing.

2. There will ALWAYS be more work.
For the first couple of weeks, I was sinking in work; mainly paperwork, developing assessments, trying to stay organized. I would leave work to go home/Starbucks.. to do more work. Even if I relaxed right after work... I often felt like I wasn't prepared the following day and struggled with leaving work at work. Thus far, I have learned that there will ALWAYS be more to do tomorrow. No matter how long I work today... I won't be finished... and that is okay. I'm not superwoman; as long as I work my butt off and get what absolutely needs to be done... it's going to be okay.

3. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Things aren't going to go as planned. Some days some absolutely amazing things happen. Your students might finally understand something; they might just make you smile; or whatever it is... it may just be the best day yet. Maybe your plans went swimmingly or you got a great eval from your observation. However, be prepared that there are days that don't exactly work out. When this happens... take a deep breath. even cry a little if you need to. But put your head back up and try again. Remember why you started teaching in the first place.

4. Always remember that you are still learning.
Sometimes.. we screw up. We don't quite hit the mark; we fail. I can ALWAYS improve. No matter what... I can always learn from other people/situations if I let myself.



Keep setting goals and working hard. You totally got this ;)

The Importance of Goal Setting

This past week, I learned SO much! I held my first IEP meeting on Tuesday, had a full day of professional development on Wednesday, and had four crucial meetings with my colleagues between Thursday and Friday. Holy Cow!

I'm going to mainly focus on the successes of those four crucial meetings with my colleagues for this post. I met with four of my general education co-teachers to strategize and set solid goals with deadlines. These were extremely beneficial and rewarding. I am already starting to feel greater successes within those classrooms.

Something about sitting down with a team member and laying everything out is extremely satisfying. It was so great having the opportunity to work on developing our dream environment to implement inclusion in. Each individual meeting had different things on the agenda.. however, the main focuses revolved around what we wanted to implement in that specific classroom, and what it would look like to implement said things. We also developed specific goals and deadlines in order to keep each other accountable and to push ourselves to move forward to create the best learning environment possible.

It was so exciting to end the week having a sound plan of implementation in 4 of my 7 inclusion-model classrooms. The plan is to tackle the other 3 classrooms this next week prior to leaving for fall break.

I feel like each of those meetings were crucial for the development of each professional relationship. Coming in with a game plan allowed for us to discuss some concerns that we had and almost forced us to problem solve and work through those concerns to develop clear and measurable goals.

I definitely feel that those were positive discussions and experiences and I encourage all of you to take the time to map out clear and measurable goals. Each meeting ended with us agreeing on one success we wanted for this upcoming week and how we were planning on achieving that success.

Do you have any ways that you work on goal setting with your team members or within your own classroom?

Math Groups

Inclusion.... it really CAN work stupendously. I want to 'brag' about a team member of mine that has been overwhelmingly welcoming to me and who has really been a peach to work with so far. I am learning so much from her and I am loving OUR successes this year. I firmly believe that we have had the successes because we have a clear goal and vision that drives every decision we make and every conversation we have:
we want all kids to grow and to feel success.
I love working with her and OUR kiddos are doing awesome.

On Tuesdays and Fridays, I am in her class with her for the entire 80 minute block with 7th grade. I have five students on IEPs in the class and there are roughly 30 kids in the class. On Tuesdays and Fridays, my Educational Assistant is also in there with us. We devote the majority of those blocks for small group centers/stations to help provide supports for all of the students. We typically have 4 groups and 4 tasks;
general education teacher group: guided practice or mini-lesson on current concept.
educational assistant group: math fluency.
my group: re-teach or extension depending on the specific groups needs.
Independent practice activity: typically an informal assessment so that we can collect data to see what they can do independently.

Things are going swimmingly and we are seeing an improvement with our kiddos engagement and enthusiasm for math class!

Changing Perspectives

I feel as though most people that I have recently talked to about inclusion have very strong opinions. Most of those opinions have been against inclusion. As a brand new educator that has seen a lot of successes through inclusion models, I have felt very disheartened.

I feel like there needs to be a change of perspective if we want to be successful. As educators, we signed up to be life-long learners; we should be seeking for new ways to reach our kiddos and to close gaps. I understand that change can be scary; it's unknown. We don't necessarily feel ready to jump in and try something new. We fear that we won't be servicing our kids the way we need to be. We may have a sense of pride about our degrees that we have earned and we may not want to work in someone else's classroom. 

I also think that we have this misconception that 'Model A' of Inclusion WILL WORK FOR ALL ENVIRONMENTS. Wrong-O. We must remember that inclusion itself looks differently in every classroom for every child depending on the needs of the students, the educational philosophies of all teachers involved, the conflicts of schedules, and the relationship of the inclusion team. 

We must learn to be flexible. We must be open to taking risks if we want to be successful and we must be aware that it's not going to work out perfectly on day one, week one, or even year one. It's a working progress. Inclusion is something that will constantly be changing and it is A LOT OF WORK. But, I am telling you from my experiences; it can be so worth it. I have students that were pulled out of science for Resource Services last year that are getting amazing grades in Science. I have students that are participating and engaging in general education classrooms and gaining confidence of their academic ABILITIES rather than their disabilities. Some days are hard... some days I have to step back and rethink my schedule/supports within the general education classroom. Some days I have to pull out or provide small group supports within the general education classroom.

But isn't that we have grown so accustomed to as SPED teachers?..; that things are always changing and that we are supposed to focus on the LEAST RESTRICTIVE ENVIRONMENT. I am so excited to continue learning about and implementing inclusion. What has your experience been with inclusion?

-Caroline

Take A Stand

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. A good friend of mine sent me the link to this video this morning. It gives me so much hope for the future of all kiddos. I think about how the little girl was finally accepted; but I think I become more emotional knowing that OTHER people are changing in order to accept her. She is still the beautiful young girl that she always was. She didn't have to change at all... but it took one little girl to take a stand and reach out.

I hope that my students are able to take a stand and reach out to whoever needs it. And when my students are the one that need someone to take a stand for them... well, I hope that they never lose faith of how incredibly AWESOME and BEAUTIFUL they are.

The parents of these two bundles of perfection were mentors to me while I was growing up. Annie and Vincent both have Down Syndrome. Their families are two of the most life-giving, loving, and supportive families I have ever met in my life. They just CARE. They have teamed together to let people know how beautiful their children are. Videos like Matty B's give me hope for these kiddos as they grow older.

I only wish that I could begin to let both of their mothers know how much they did for me when I was in high school. These two kiddos are so blessed to have born into an extremely amazing environment full of joy, love, and overflowing support. These are the parents that I look up to; the ones that have every reason to complain, but continue to find joy and who continue to die to oneself every day in order to do what is best for their children.

This morning, my heart is happy. These are the reasons I wanted to be a teacher.

A Case of the Mondays

Have you ever had a case of the Mondays? Let me tell you, my Monday was just a very frustrating day. A big part of it was my own attitude. It's hard to get through the rest of your day, when you are mentally done before lunch time. I think as a SPED teacher, the hardest part of our job can sometimes be when making sure all stakeholders are on the same page. I strongly believe that it is my number one job to advocate for my students. In my situation specifically, to advocate for my students in the general education placement. It can be extremely frustrating when you feel like you aren't able to advocate for your kiddos for whatever the reason may be.
I kept having to remind myself of why I decided to become a teacher:
I want to benefit the youth of today. academically AND emotionally AND socially.

No matter what happens... no matter how upset we are... no matter how many Mondays we have, we MUST remember why we became teachers. We must let that drive us always. We must let our students, their needs, and what we feel is best for them push us to uncomfortable environments. We are life-long learners which means that we will constantly seek out ways to grow. Uncomfortable environments push us to grow. Though it can be tough, and some days we may feel like the world is against us and our kiddos; but they aren't. Take a breath, and remember why you decided to be a teacher.
Anyone else have a case of the Mondays this week?

First on the Agenda... Kid President!!

I'm sure you've all seen this video; but it really is a great reminder for me of why I decided to teach and for me to understand truly what impact I can have on these kiddos.

What are your thoughts?

Inspired

Last week, I had the pleasure to attend a professional development session with some really awesome people. We had so many awesome conversations and goals for our future. As a first year teacher, I was truly inspired by all of the eagerness to learn expressed by everyone else there.
The table that I sat at encompassed 5 different people from the school district that had so many ideas and questions to discuss. So... I started thinking; how can we continue to share/grow/become more effective teachers together? I have so much I want to learn and I want this to be a group effort... And, now I created this website in hopes that we can create an environment for us to come together and share our wisdom with each other.
I am so excited to start this journey and to collaborate with other professionals working towards the same goal: success of all students.