I'm Only Human

So I have this warped concept in my head that goes something like this...

Caroline. You are now an adult. You have a career. You're a big girl. Get your stuff together. No excuses. No exceptions.
And then... I remind myself that I really am only human. Nobody is expecting me to be perfect.

This really reminds me of Christina Perri's song: I'm Only Human.

     **Please let me preface this section with the understanding that I am completely aware that this song was not written to be viewed/compared with any type of job/career... but bear with me.



I can hold my breath. I can bite my tongue. I can stay awake for days if that's what you want. Be your number one.

I can hold my breath and I can bite my tongue. There are many times throughout my week that I am reminding myself to breathe and bite my tongue.. and that is typically because I might be too tired to process through rational thinking for that given situation in that moment. It seems that I often wake up exhausted no matter how early I get to bed the night before. I argue that the 'you' (at least in my situation) is actually representing myself. I am asking myself to do too much. I'm expecting myself to do everything.

I can fake a smile. I can force a laugh. I can dance and play the part if that's what you ask; give you all I am.

I can fake a smile and force a laugh. I can play 'teacher' and ditch my personal life at home. Sometimes that's a good thing.. sometimes I avoid too much and put my personal life too much on the back burner until I am forced to deal with it.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it

Hey Thomas the Train.. 'I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.' This reminds me of the Mondays.. like when I get to work and my mindset is it's only Monday... I think I can make it through today.. and tomorrow.. and all the way to Friday.. I think I can do this. I'm working on changing that mindset to.. I know I can do this. I will be successful; no actually, I am successful. (still learning.. but seeing successes none the less).

But I'm only human; I bleed when I fall down. I'm only human; I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart; you build me up and then I fall apart cause I'm only human.

I am human. I hurt when I fall. When life happens both professionally and personally and both positive and negative... I'm allowed to have emotions; in fact, I am human and I should have emotions. I will break down. I am the one putting 'words in my head' and 'knives in my heart' because I am expecting myself to be this supernatural goddess with no boundaries/limits. It is imperative that I remind myself that I am going to mess up and that I am going to have those days that are just meh or blah. Even if my students, myself, or my colleagues/friends build me back up... it is inevitable that I will slip and fall again. And most importantly.. I must recognize that all of that is perfectly acceptable.

I can turn it on; be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that's what you need; be your everything.

I can totally go through the motions. I can put so much on my shoulders and deal with so much because I put all of those weights on my own shoulders. There are times that I wear way too many more hats than I have heads because I think that that is what is expected of me. I can flip that smile on and push through and get what needs to be done regardless of what's happening at home. Once again.. this can be good thing.. but it is important to allow myself to be human.



The rest of the lyrics are pretty repetetive.. however, it all goes back to I am only human; and I need to allow myself to make mistakes; to feel something (both good and bad); and to pull myself together and recognize that it's okay that I don't have it all together; that nobody expects me to be perfect; and that I must seize every opportunity to grow and to learn and continue moving forwarding.



-Happy thoughts of a first year teacher mooching off the internet at Starbucks on a Tuesday night.

A Little Self Reflection

This is more of a personal update from the perspective of a first year teacher that made it to her first long break.

Fall Break 2014
The first two months of school have flown by... I just keep thinking to myself:

I can't believe that I have a career... and that I have all of these responsibilities... and that so far, I actually think I'm doing pretty okay.
I've already grown and learned a lot these first 2 months of teaching. I think it is important to take time to reflect upon your progress/shortcomings. In order to be the best teacher I possibly can be, I must reflect upon the first 2 months of school.

What I wish I knew two months ago...
but am lucky to have figured out now.
1. It's okay to ask for help.
I have an amazing team of colleagues and admin that really are there to answer questions and to support me. I've learned quickly that it is okay to ask for help.. in fact, it's a MUST. It's my FIRST year, nobody expects me to have it all figured out yet. As much as I struggle admitting when I am wrong, when I need extra guidance, I have been showered with support and affirmations from my colleagues. At first... it was scary, really scary; like, first day of high school scary. Now, if you walk into a professional development workshop that I am in... I am constantly writing down questions on post-it notes and raising my hand. I am so grateful to my PD instructor for always stopping to answer my questions. :) She's pretty amazing.

2. There will ALWAYS be more work.
For the first couple of weeks, I was sinking in work; mainly paperwork, developing assessments, trying to stay organized. I would leave work to go home/Starbucks.. to do more work. Even if I relaxed right after work... I often felt like I wasn't prepared the following day and struggled with leaving work at work. Thus far, I have learned that there will ALWAYS be more to do tomorrow. No matter how long I work today... I won't be finished... and that is okay. I'm not superwoman; as long as I work my butt off and get what absolutely needs to be done... it's going to be okay.

3. Hope for the best and be prepared for the worst.
Things aren't going to go as planned. Some days some absolutely amazing things happen. Your students might finally understand something; they might just make you smile; or whatever it is... it may just be the best day yet. Maybe your plans went swimmingly or you got a great eval from your observation. However, be prepared that there are days that don't exactly work out. When this happens... take a deep breath. even cry a little if you need to. But put your head back up and try again. Remember why you started teaching in the first place.

4. Always remember that you are still learning.
Sometimes.. we screw up. We don't quite hit the mark; we fail. I can ALWAYS improve. No matter what... I can always learn from other people/situations if I let myself.



Keep setting goals and working hard. You totally got this ;)